What is Womanhood?

For a long time I felt like an overgrown girl. I had passed a lot of the milestones people typically associate with womanhood- menstruation, finishing high school, turning eighteen, moving out- but I still hesitated to call myself an adult or a woman without making a joke of it.

I think I had put adulthood and womanhood on a pedestal. It became something I had to achieve rather than something you grow into. I would ascend into adulthood and become a woman once I sorted myself out and stopped feeling lost. I felt like I was playing at being an adult- that I was faking it- but one day it would all come together.

When I chose to claim my womanhood, I had to drastically change my definition of it. Previously, I saw womanhood as a standard of perfection and so how could I- with all my imperfections- call myself a woman? So, womanhood became about not only accepting but embracing imperfections. As someone who was not particularly kind to themselves in their adolescence, it became about self-care and love.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but gradually I came to understand that I was never going to reach some kind of magical plane where things fell into place and I was totally in control and happy (because at that time being in control felt a lot like happiness). 

So, I came to a sort of agreement with myself that I would refer to myself as a woman. That I would say “I am a woman” without a trace of irony. At first, honestly, it felt uncomfortable. Even with all the privilege of being a cisgendered woman on my side, I felt like an imposter; but each time it got easier, and now I say that I am a woman without any doubt or hesitation. It’s truly humbling to think about how much more difficult this must be for others.

I believe that womanhood is not something biological, it's not an achievement, and it's not a label others give you. Womanhood is something you claim for yourself. 

By changing how I defined my womanhood, a weight lifted. Rather than a state of enlightenment, it became a pilgrimage. And, you know what? That feels so good.